King of Fools
by California Kat
Summary: "King of Fools" is a one-shot, set in the Back & Forth and Come Back to Me universe. It is a short comedy, written in honor of the Fangreaders. (Rated M for Language)


_**Story Description: **_"King of Fools" is a one-shot, set in the _Back & Forth_ and _Come Back to Me_ universe. It is a short comedy, written in honor of the Fangreaders.

_**A/N: ** _First of all, thanks to everyone who nominated _Come Back to Me_ for _**4 **_Fangreaders Awards! It was nominated for The Russell Edgington Award (for best villain in a Fanfic), The Nan Flanagan Award (for best villainess in a Fanfic), The Bill Compton Award (for best Angst Fanfic), and The Eric Northman Award (for best Epic Fanfic). I am so excited, especially given the fact that I have been nominated alongside other stories that I admire very much! I hope that you will vote (even if it's not for me). Here's the website to vote at: eSurv . org?u=Fangies2013 (take out the spaces).

The Fangreaders also have a page on ff . net. Here's the address to that: fanfiction . net u/3514708/ (remove the spaces).

In honor of everyone that nominated me and the Fangreaders for putting on these awards for us writers, I wrote "King of Fools" this morning. It's meant to be a comedy; I hope that works out. I'm usually not a comedy writer. It stars the villains of _Come Back to Me_. I hope that you enjoy! And thanks so much again for recognizing _Come Back to Me_.

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**King of Fools**

Russell Edgington was seething in the direction of the simpering vampire, who was speaking to him.

"They fucking named the award after _me_! Obviously, the award is meant for _me_!" Russell yelled.

Bill backed away a little. "All I said, Russell, was that I too was a villain within the story. Perhaps, the nomination was meant for us to share."

"You died at Chapter 52, Bill!"

"Yeah—well you didn't even show up until Chapter 160. And you were dead by Chapter 194," Bill returned.

"I just wanted to avoid _you_," Russell fumed. He sighed deeply and then added, "If I would have known that my own personal hell was to spend eternity with the other 'so-called' villains of _Come Back to Me_, I would have left Eric Northman and Sookie Stackhouse alone."

"Sookeh Stackhouse-_Northman_," Bill pouted, his eyes filling with bloody tears.

"Oh God! Not again!" Russell lamented as he sank down into his seat. In that moment, he would have attempted to kill Compton again, but he'd tried so many times before, and he'd never succeeded. Yes—it _was_ hell indeed to be forced to spend his afterlife with Bill Compton. And Bill wasn't even the worst of his companions!

"Should_ I_ not be considered as the major villain in the piece?" Felipe de Castro asked as he entered Russell's makeshift "throne room." Victor Madden slinked into the room with him.

"Shut the fuck up," Russell said with exasperation. "You were _both_ killed by Thalia at your first appearance in the story."

"It was my _second_ appearance," Felipe sulked. "And I was King of Nevada!"

"Whoop-de-fucking-do," Russell said with a flourish of his hands. "Who is king _here_?" he asked threateningly.

"You _were_!" de Castro said with a little growl, right before he launched himself at Russell.

The two former monarchs struggled for a while, both of them throwing each other into the walls. Meanwhile, Bill whimpered fearfully in the corner and Victor moved toward the door so that he could avoid the tempers of the two kings.

Of course, Russell—as always—got the upper hand, and he snarled at Felipe.

"Who is King?" he demanded.

"You are," Felipe whimpered, right before Russell's boot crushed his throat.

Russell sighed and went back to his seat. It was true that he couldn't kill anyone in the hell he found himself in, but he was glad to be at the top of the hierarchy there, nonetheless. The only problem was that he was the king of a bunch of assholes and idiots.

After all, every single one of them had been killed in _Come Back to Me_.

Russell groaned. Granted, he had been killed too. But at least his death had been glorious! How many vampires could say that they'd been killed by a fairy light being shot through a vampire because of some kind of "mega-bond."

"Fucking Eric Northman! I wish I could fucking kill him from here!" Russell yelled in frustration.

"Now _that_ we can _all_ agree on," Victor said.

"Oh—shut the fuck up," Russell fumed. "You didn't even get a line in the whole story! And it was over 700,000 words." He cackled, "All those words and not a single one for _poor_, little Victor."

Bill's tears finally dried up as he chuckled along with Russell. Felipe even joined in to make fun of his one-time lieutenant.

"Don't laugh," Victor scowled, aiming his words at Felipe. "You were killed by Thalia too—_after_ months of being afraid of your own shadow because she'd planted bombs all around you, I might add."

Again, Felipe's Latin temper flared, and he launched himself at Victor this time. Russell sat back in his "throne," which was really just a metal folding chair (though it was the steadiest one they had), and watched the two vampires go at it for a while, happy to have the entertainment.

Of course, Compton had to ruin it for him.

"Russell, it just seems that if _Come Back to Me_ wins the Fangreaders Award for Best Villain, then we should share it," he said a little meekly.

"What was the award _called_ again?" Russell asked, his frustration rising once more.

Bill sighed deeply. "The Russell Edgington Award," he relented.

"And what is the award _for_ again?" he pushed.

"Best villain in a Fanfic."

"And were you the best villain in _Come Back to Me_, Bill?"

The younger vampire shrugged, "I _did_ try to capture Hadley as a substitute for Sookie. I _was_ planning to make Sookie into my personal fairy love slave. And then I planned to do the same to Hunter. Those things _are_ pretty villainous," he tried.

Russell sighed and shook his head. "You were a villain with no flare, Bill. A villain must have flare!" he waved his arms wildly. "Plus, you were almost as creepy at _that_ one," Russell said with distaste as he motioned toward Lochlan, who was sitting motionlessly on the other side of the room. Well—not quite motionlessly. His otherworldly eyes were locked on the still struggling Victor and Felipe.

Bill looked over at the fairy and cringed. At first, he'd been excited when Lochlan had shown up because—having been the first to arrive in their little hell—Bill had been lonely. However, his excitement had not lasted for long! For the most part, Lochlan just crept in and out of rooms within their hell, which looked a lot like Sophie-Anne's old, gaudy palace—at least a decrepit version of it. But sometimes, the fairy would try to bite, and only Russell was able to control him when he did.

Russell clapped his hands together dramatically, causing Victor and Felipe to immediately stop fighting and stand at attention. "See, Bill!" Russell said. "One must command respect to be an excellent villain. And _I_ was a menace over the _whole_ story, not just a third of it!"

"Do not act superior," Felipe said, brushing dust off of his purple jacket. "You met your final death—just like the rest of us."

Russell glared at Felipe. "I wish it _had_ been _final_. That way, I wouldn't have had to spend a single minute more with you!"

Felipe growled. "I helped you escape from the concrete! Don't forget that!"

"_That_ hell was better than _this_ one!" Russell yelled. "Anyway, did the Ancient Pythoness ever have a prophesy about you? I don't think so."

"Well—to be accurate," Bill corrected tentatively. "The prophesy wasn't really about you either. It was about Eric and Sookie. And it was Artegal who made it, not the Ancient Pythoness."

Russell turned his glower onto Bill. "Shut up, or I will have the deranged fairy bite you again," he warned.

Bill cringed as Lochlan began chomping his silver teeth.

Russell sat up straighter. "_I_ was the reason Eric and Sookie had to be separated for so long. _ I_ was the only one among us that actually caused Eric real pain. _I _tortured him. And _I _would have defeated him and Sookie too—if I had only known about that freakish bond of theirs!"

"I, I, I, me, me, me," Felipe grumbled under his breath.

Russell growled. "Who among you can say that you even got one single blow in against Northman? Or any of his allies?"

Felipe's shoulders slumped a little, and Victor took a step backwards.

"I hurt Jason Stackhouse," Bill offered pitifully.

"Congratu-fuckin'-lations," Russell deadpanned. "What an accomplishment that is! You hurt a weak human with the IQ of a packet of crackers. Remind me to write an ode to celebrate such a wonderful accomplishment."

Felipe and Victor chuckled.

"Can I bite him now?" came Lochlan's eerie voice.

All the vampires looked over at the fairy. Every single one of them had been excited about the prospect of spending eternity with a fairy that couldn't be killed. They fantasized about draining him again and again, but his blood tasted of silver, and he always bit back when they tried to feed from him. But he still smelled delicious and that scent added to the torment of their hell.

"Not now!" Russell yelled. "Go to your room, Lochlan!"

The fairy looked murderous. "I don't want to go—not without his blood first."

"Will it be the iron chains again?" Russell asked with warning.

Lochlan gnashed his teeth, but rose and slowly walked toward the door, giving Bill a wicked smile as he went. "You will eventually sleep," he said. "_All_ of you will," he added as he left.

The vampires cringed at that thought—even though they'd quickly learned that in their hell, sleep never came.

Russell sighed. "We should not fight amongst ourselves. What we should be doing is planning how we can kill the villains that are in the other stories that were nominated in our category. And then—_after_ we get the award—we can figure out where to display it." Russell smiled. The ancient vampire did love a good collection, and since he no longer had his collection of the artifacts he'd stolen over the years, a collection of awards would be the next best thing.

"What other stories are nominated in our category?" Felipe asked with interest, as he and Victor approached Russell and Bill. They pulled up their own rickety folding chairs and sat down across from them.

"_Birds of A Feather_ by chicpea, _Immortal Beloved_ by All About Eric, and _Know Thyself_ by Konfetti," Russell informed.

"I am _not_ even a villain in all of those," Bill smiled. "In fact, I like the first story best! In that story, Sookeh does not despise me."

"Sookie!" Felipe, Russell, and Victor all said at once.

"Sookeh," Bill tried.

Russell sighed with exasperation. "We are going to have to begin your practicing again."

Bill sighed and nodded resignedly. His "practice" in saying Sookeh's name correctly filled much of their time in their hell.

"How will we kill all the villains in _Birds of a Feather_ and _Know Thyself_? Those stories are not complete," Felipe said thoughtfully. "Other villains may yet be introduced."

"We shall kill the ones that we do know about—right up until the voting closes on April 21," Russell reasoned.

"Agreed," Felipe said.

"What of _Immortal Beloved_?" Bill asked. "I am a villain in that story."

"Well—then you can do the world a favor and kill yourself," Russell deadpanned. "Surely you are not so stupid as to think that killing our counterparts in other stories will harm us?"

"The villains from _Immortal Beloved_ are in the next hell over and will be easy to get to," Victor said, excited by the prospect of fighting. After all, his fangs had just grown back in.

Bill pouted. "Why do you have to be so mean to me, Russell?"

"You _did_ help to bury me in cement once," Russell shrugged. "And you helped in Northman's deception to get me to go into the sun in the first place." He chuckled and slapped Bill on the back, sending the younger vampire across the room, despite the fact that the gesture had been meant good-naturedly—mostly.

"Of course," Russell added, "my ultimate revenge is that you will forever have to live with the fact that Sookie chose Eric, not you."

"Sookeh is mine!" Bill yelled from across the room.

"Sookie!" the other three yelled back in unison.

Bill stood up and brushed himself off. "Sookeh," he tried again.

The others sighed in exasperation.

"How can you not say the simple name of Sookie?" Felipe asked. "I have a thick accent, yet I have no problems. It rhymes with cookie."

"Cookie, cookie, cookie," Russell began motioning for Bill to join in.

"Cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie," Bill practiced over and over as the others spoke with him.

"Good!" Russell praised. "Now try," Russell encouraged with another gesture of his hand.

Bill took a deep breath. "Sookeh."

All three of the others rolled their eyes in unison.

"Just let Lochlan bite him," Felipe said with exasperation.

"_After_ we kill the villains in the other stories," Russell sighed, shaking his head disappointingly at Bill.

Russell, Felipe, and Victor stood up and went over to Bill, who was already near the door of the large room due to Russell's little "pat" on the back.

"Shall we bring Lochlan?" Felipe asked.

Russell sighed. "I suppose. Let's go leash him."

"And then we'll pay visits to our fellow nominees," Bill said, his own bloodlust rising.

Russell smiled wickedly. "Soon—those other villains will be no more. And after that, there will be no way we can lose!"

_**The End**_

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_**A/N:**_ I hope you liked this little ditty. For anyone interested, I have previews to the stories I am currently working on over on my wordpress site (californiakat1564 . wordpress . com). I also have a version of this story with a few pictures over there—if you want to check it out. You can find it under the "short stories" tab at the top of the page.

Thanks for reading. And—again—thanks for all the support on my stories!


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